Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Pain of Blessings

It’s a call… call from the wilderness.

There is no remedy available to cease the pain of death especially an unexpected end.  Mind not accepting the truth. Because her face is glitter in the darkness of my reminiscence.  In the darkness of mind, the smile is impending and I can hear the smooth voice and her smile.

Yes. She was vanished from the earth – ten years back. Then why my mind is throbbing again? I already expressed my feelings ten years back itself through a small story. But the fact is, whenever I am taking the pen to write, her facade and support is coming to my hands. Some kind of vibration passing from body through the pen and then the expression…. unlimited expression !  obviously my psyche is crack… really crack !!

A summer in Mumbai. Evening, I got a call from home, explaining the unexpected shocking news. Somebody told that it was a cardiac arrest. I didn’t asked more reason and cause or the story behind it because my mind is not accepting the fact. Her smiling face is not allowing me to accept it.

She was my neighbour. I like to call her ‘Aunty’ or some times ‘Amma’.

It was the period I had started to take the pen and paper to express my cracked thoughts. There is no support or it is better to tell nobody accepting the shabby things I am jotting down in my old notebook pages. One day, she accidentally noticed my ‘creativity’ and told me to read the lines I wrote in notebook.  Actually I thought that she is going to fire me like others. As I was reluctant to recite the bulged words, she taken the book from me and stated reading it. I was really shy to hear my own broken literature. After completion; she called me near… touched my head and told “my son… try to write more… and more… at least for me !! “  It given great impetus to take the pen.  

When I visited last to my home, I went to cemetery and in front of her tomb, I prayed… silently; one kind of thanksgiving! For giving the inspiration to move my pen in different phases.

I cant deny the truth – she is not with me. In childhood, I had spent lot of time with her. Hearing her stories and advise. In adolescence, just thinking the past, the charming face and curly hair…

Why the pain ? Pain of memory ? Is it still hunting me? I don’t know. But it is the fact; fact and reality. May be the cradle of my creativity still awaiting her lullaby.

In the darkness alongwith my pillow, I am sharing my pain, pain of heart… pain of death… pain of absence of a woman who paved the way. The bitterness, sweetness and beautifulness of pain !!  Some memories will follow us like shadow. We are keeping that memory in the safe corner of our mind. Because it is the spirit and fact to rejuvenate body and soul in out entire life.

Yes. It is again a sweet moment to write something about her. After ten years ! With a tearful mind. Eye lids are feeling more lubricants than before. Eyelash is getting more weight than before. Expressing the pain of mind is a big dilemma…. Sometimes. In the middle of my pain, I  know she is smiling… somewhere.. may be in front of me, in the darkness, in the light…..in the sky… between the stars may be in between the gap between my pen and paper.

My ‘Aunty’ again I need your blessing….

-------  end  --------