Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Pain of Blessings

It’s a call… call from the wilderness.

There is no remedy available to cease the pain of death especially an unexpected end.  Mind not accepting the truth. Because her face is glitter in the darkness of my reminiscence.  In the darkness of mind, the smile is impending and I can hear the smooth voice and her smile.

Yes. She was vanished from the earth – ten years back. Then why my mind is throbbing again? I already expressed my feelings ten years back itself through a small story. But the fact is, whenever I am taking the pen to write, her facade and support is coming to my hands. Some kind of vibration passing from body through the pen and then the expression…. unlimited expression !  obviously my psyche is crack… really crack !!

A summer in Mumbai. Evening, I got a call from home, explaining the unexpected shocking news. Somebody told that it was a cardiac arrest. I didn’t asked more reason and cause or the story behind it because my mind is not accepting the fact. Her smiling face is not allowing me to accept it.

She was my neighbour. I like to call her ‘Aunty’ or some times ‘Amma’.

It was the period I had started to take the pen and paper to express my cracked thoughts. There is no support or it is better to tell nobody accepting the shabby things I am jotting down in my old notebook pages. One day, she accidentally noticed my ‘creativity’ and told me to read the lines I wrote in notebook.  Actually I thought that she is going to fire me like others. As I was reluctant to recite the bulged words, she taken the book from me and stated reading it. I was really shy to hear my own broken literature. After completion; she called me near… touched my head and told “my son… try to write more… and more… at least for me !! “  It given great impetus to take the pen.  

When I visited last to my home, I went to cemetery and in front of her tomb, I prayed… silently; one kind of thanksgiving! For giving the inspiration to move my pen in different phases.

I cant deny the truth – she is not with me. In childhood, I had spent lot of time with her. Hearing her stories and advise. In adolescence, just thinking the past, the charming face and curly hair…

Why the pain ? Pain of memory ? Is it still hunting me? I don’t know. But it is the fact; fact and reality. May be the cradle of my creativity still awaiting her lullaby.

In the darkness alongwith my pillow, I am sharing my pain, pain of heart… pain of death… pain of absence of a woman who paved the way. The bitterness, sweetness and beautifulness of pain !!  Some memories will follow us like shadow. We are keeping that memory in the safe corner of our mind. Because it is the spirit and fact to rejuvenate body and soul in out entire life.

Yes. It is again a sweet moment to write something about her. After ten years ! With a tearful mind. Eye lids are feeling more lubricants than before. Eyelash is getting more weight than before. Expressing the pain of mind is a big dilemma…. Sometimes. In the middle of my pain, I  know she is smiling… somewhere.. may be in front of me, in the darkness, in the light…..in the sky… between the stars may be in between the gap between my pen and paper.

My ‘Aunty’ again I need your blessing….

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Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Love Letter

I remember, It was a Sunday in 1995. A rainy evening…. yes, the blessing of stream coming from heaven to earth.

I am walking through the muddy pathway in the paddy fields. I can see totally tired red sun is escaping to the hills of horizon. Following the way of sun, the birds are returning to their homes by making different types of black design in the sky. It is really a great feeling to walk between paddy fields and the long and long view of greenery. The  heaven is blessing the paddy fields with the rain water…. I kept the book inside my shirt to protect it from rain and speed-up my walk to the library.

It’s a routine walk for me. I cant live without the smell of books in my village library. Most of the books are old, because the new books are vanishing from library swiftly - the members are not returning it. So it is a hard task to search good books from this  old collection. But I am lucky, because getting some reasonable books as a daily bread for common man.

Heaven is going to stop its blessing to paddy field…. The cold breeze is approaching me after kidding and kissing all the trees and paddy field….! And  injecting a great refreshment for mind and body so far.

“Uncle..!!”  I just set a break to my walk by hearing that tone of voice.. It was voice of a boy.. Where is he?? I turned back in search of that boy. Yes! he is in the vicinity of  me… he is breathing like an athlete after a long competition !! I just scratched my reminiscence…. I know this boy.. somewhere I had seen him…

“What happened?  I asked him”

“Uncle….” He want to talk something, but sound is not coming outside… His face telling that he is fearing something.

“Tell me.. what happened?? Why you are fearing? ….What’s your name?..... come-on….” He is looking pathetically to my face and inserted his right hand in his pocket…. Just removed one notebook paper and given to me….

“What is this?” I asked him with a wondering mind. That paper was little bit wet due to the blessing from heaven.

“Uncle.. this letter given by my ‘Chechi’ for you”

“for me….” I looked him and asked sharply…. “for me….? Who is your Chechi…first of all I don’t know you at all….”

After a well breath, he told about him and the originator of that letter. She is my neighbour and this boy came to their home for vacation. He explained this in short sentences and before I start my reply he ran away.

The sun is totally fall down in the horizon. I just checked my surroundings. Nobody is here…. I can see some people are walking on paddy fields in a reasonable distance. I really wondered to open that wet note book paper given by that boy. What is this? I just opened the fold.

It was a beautiful handwriting. When I start to read that letter, some kind of electricity passed through my veins! After reading two three sentences, I checked my vicinity to make sure nobody watching me !! Ohh..!!?? Yes it was a love letter…!!

I was unable to read after three sentences. Folded it again and kept it in the library book. Then resume my walk to library. The electrons passed through my vein is still making shock on my mind and body. This is first time I am getting anything like this. I know the originator of this letter. My neighbour, on and off visitor to my home, studying pre-degree in college. And especially on my way to library; we are daily meeting in between the paddy fields and exchanging an average smile. But now… yes, my mind was totally upset for some time. Like a machine, I reached the library and kept that ‘letter’ to the new book I had selected.

That night was really extraordinary for me. Different types of questions passed through my mind. In my room, amid the closed door and walls, I read that ‘letter’ numerous times. Its her expression of love towards me! But my question is how she selected me? I am a common village boy without any specialties. An average student, lean body, common family etc.…  It is sure that I don’t have any kind of quality to catch the attention of a girl. Then what is the reason she wrote this letter to me? The words in that letter burning my mind. In bed, I was unable to sleep… the strong tides of words  haunting me totally. She is offering her love to me. In the books I had read about love, different types of love… but this kind of approach I never expected! Her face blinking in front of my eyes in the darkness. I opened the door of my window. Now I can see the stars in the sky.. the cool and fresh air from outside approaching  like a thief in the dark. Shall I accept her love? This is the question caught my mind that full night. Really I was unable to find an answer…. My mind and brain are totally corrupted by seeking an answer. Then finally in the lap of night, I slept unconsciously.

It was a period which I had taken some strong decision in my life. I joined for graduation and desperately want to pass with a good mark. Planned to destroy the belief of my kith and kin that I can’t earn good mark in any exam.  Some incidents in my life given impetus to me and I decided to prove my ability with my degree. That oath taking burning in my mind every day before sleeping. But that night was different. I forgot all matters in front of the beautiful handwriting in a piece of paper.

But in the morning I wake up with an answer.

Again evening. Same time, I started my walk towards the library. Sky looks clear today. I kept the library book in my armpit and inside that book the ‘love letter’. This is the time normally we both are meeting in the way of paddy fields. There is some bold decision in my mind and in same time, my mind is ticking with some kind of fear. I don’t know why it is, but the fear was there. I never talked a girl in this condition, in this attitude. First time….. it is like a stammering.

She appeared and coming… just opposite me! My heart is again ticking, but I want tell something to her. This is the time and chance. Why I have to wait? She is just to me, with college books in her hand. As the muddy path is narrow we both have to adjust to pass the way. She is now in front of me! Our eyes are locked in between. I think she is going to make a same regular smile. There is no other reaction or reflection in her face!   Now she just passed me….. there is no point to think again.

“Excuse me…” the word just came out from my lips. Instantly, she turns around and looked sharply to my face. “This is your letter??” I showed  letter which made an electric shock in my mind. She is not talking anything. “Could you please tell… if this is not yours; then I believe that boy making me fool”

“Yes…. it’s  my handwriting. I just want to tell you something…” 

I walked two three steps towards her because I want to talk personally, silently.  I talked five minutes. Those five minutes expressed all my feeling and opinions. She is two years younger than me, I talked like a bother to her. The content was my ‘refusal’ of her ‘offer’. I told her about my planning and my oath and my bold decision not allow anything to hamper my pledge. She was silent, looking to the earth. After that five minutes speech, then I took her letter which I kept in my book and given back to her.

“This is your letter which provided lot of heat and shock in my mind…. I am very sorry to deny your love. May be you will think that I am not a ‘man’. This decision I had taken after thinking lot. If we start our love now, I really fear what will happen to my study. I have some decision in my mind – to prove the world that I have the ability to study. I like to see you as a friend or better a good neighbor. I hope you can understand what I am telling…”

She collected that letter from me and continued her walk. Before leaving she looked me with a pale face. I also continued walk to opposite direction. The sky was clear .. my mind also!

*************                 *************                 ************

Ten years later, I came for a vacation.

After my graduation, I have less interaction with my village. The annual leave are the only occasions to mingle with my place and release the nostalgia. 

Now most of the paddy fields has been converted to land and the paining memory is only remaining.

One evening, I am walking through the Panchayat road which have replaced the old paddy fields. One lady is coming opposite with her kids. They are talking something and playing together. It made some curiosity on me. When they reached to me I opened my eyes.. yes it was the owner of that ‘beautiful handwriting’ ! I think she also recognized me. We just passed smile. Again it was around five minute talks. I asked her about husband, kids, family and she also asked about my work, life etc. She smiled once again and before leaving asked one question.

“Are you married…??”

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